Hello! I am struggling with a work situation and I have 2 questions. My manager does not accept criticism and I upset them when I disagree with them.
So, 1. Is there an effective way to be heard by a manager that doesn’t want to listen?
JOANNA, Vancouver CANADA
March 2026
Sarah’s take:
Ooof, so relatable, so thank you for asking this one Joanna! I am answering your question with two questions:
How’s your relationship with your manager?
I don’t know about you, but I am least likely to (gracefully) accept criticism when it comes from someone I don’t feel safe with. When both people have trust and can demonstrate vulnerability together, they have created a safe space and are more likely to hear each other. It is really hard to be chill (non-reactive) about receiving criticism when we don’t feel safe. If this resonates with you, start by taking a look at your relationship with your manager rather than with the words you want them to hear. How could you strengthen your relationship with them? What could you start experimenting with that would create a safer space for these conversations? Is there a vulnerable share of your own you could start with? Here’s one potential idea: Our relationship is important to me, and sometimes I’m afraid that when I share about what is going wrong with xyz, I will weaken it.
Can you be okay with them being upset?
Getting crummy feedback is probably going to feel crummy for them. At least for the moment. Can you be okay with that? You aren’t responsible for how they feel, right? RIGHT? Say this with me: I am not responsible for how they feel. This may be the most freeing phrase you utter….ever.
How I feel when someone gives me difficult feedback has to do with all kinds of things UNRELATED to the feedback itself: my relationship with that person, how I slept the night before, my capacity level, my hormones, my bank balance, if I got my workout in, if I ate lunch, if I feel another cold coming on, if I have to scramble to find a goalie sub for tonight’s game, if I had a crummy call right before this one, etc. If you can let the responsibility for their feelings go (you really aren’t responsible for them), does it take the pressure off? Try it and see. And good luck! This is a toughie.
Sandy’s take:
Giving constructive feedback can be tricky, especially when it is to someone you report to. But it doesn’t have to feel this way. Remember you are just two humans having a purposeful conversation (or series of conversations). You are not being performative and definitely don’t need to be perfect (PS. they also don’t need to receive and apply the feedback perfectly).
Here are some ideas to consider:
Start by sharing what you want out of the conversation – “I’m hoping we can…”
Share what you have observed – “I’ve noticed…”
Share your questions – “I’d like to understand…”
Lead with vulnerability – “This is difficult for me to talk about because I’m worried I’m going to come across as X or that Y will happen” OR, “I’m hoping this conversation leads to…I am going to do my best to get us there.”
And lastly, choose a time for the conversation when your boss has the capacity to have the conversation. And if you’re not sure, ask them.
